Building Safety with God through Imagery
If you have had experiences that have left you feeling unsafe and alone, resting in another's safety is very difficult, including trusting God as a safe person. This imagery provides a starting point if you feel ready to build trust with God. It is not recommended if you haven't already built safety with your therapist.
Photo by Dimitry Anikin on Unsplash
Photo by Dimitry Anikin on Unsplash
Christian Singleness and Schema Therapy
Join the conversation as Suzanne Dang and Ruth Holt discuss how Schema Therapy can be helpful in understanding complex feelings on this topic.
"You don't make yourself more forgivable by beating yourself up before going to God" Ray Ortlund Now as adults, we have an opportunity to notice the internal dialogue in our head and see if it's true and helpful.
The gospel provides us with a new narrative about ourselves, with a loving, heavenly father, who has forgiven us because of Jesus. As we start to take notice of our internal critic we can apply to gospel to this internal voice. We can catch the "I'm stupid" and remind ourselves "I'm loved", we can speak God's loving words to ourselves. It is important to notice how our critic can twist the bible to keep us feeling defective, unloveable, ashamed, guilty and not good enough. We might think we are being humble when really we are beating ourselves up with words that are not true.
Below are some steps to bringing the gospel to bear on our critic:
There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. |
Christians and Critic ModesIn Schema Therapy we talk about Punitive Critic, Demanding Critic and Guilt-Inducing Critic modes.
These are internalisations of one or more voices - perhaps you had a very harsh father, or a demanding mother, or a very punitive culture in your family or church. When we are little, these "voices" give us a narrative of ourself. These important people answer the question "am I loveable?", "what makes me OK?" and "if I make a mistake what does that mean about me?" 
More on the critic modes:
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Understanding Coping Modes and how they
manifest in Christians
Do I have a Spiritualising Detached Protector?
Whenever Mark was faced with a distressing or challenging pastoral situation he would use a ‘go to’ verse or start talking in long biblically accurate sentences until he felt better and the person seemed calm. Mark had learned to detach from his feelings and use well worn phrases and spiritual sounding language to cover his fears. He had developed a common coping mode amongst Christians; a Spiritualising Detached Protector.
The Compliant Surrender Mode (CS) is a "freeze" or "submit" way of dealing dealing with distress. When there is a threat that I don't have the resources to handle, I might try to make myself small or "befriend" the threat. This mode can develop as way of meeting emotional needs at some point. Perhaps you had an angry or harsh parent who was not happy with anything except compliance. Perhaps you were in a culture where "first time obedience" was highly prized, so you might have been rewarded and praised for bending to other's wills automatically. Perhaps, if you weren't compliant, love would be withdrawn, or you would have been shamed, or abandoned. These environments are fertile soil for a Compliant Surrenderer mode to grow.
"In Compliant Surrenderer mode people tend to passively allow others to take control or even openly give control to others in an attempt to gain approval, acceptance or nurturance or reduce conflict, criticism, rejection and humiliation" (Simpson, 2020)
Origins of a Compliant Surrenderer mode
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Often there is a Self-Sacrifice or a Subjugation schema that drives the CS mode. Have a look at the definitions of those schemas on this list if you want to explore this more.
There are many origins of modes and an important aspect of Schema Therapy is understanding where you learnt your coping modes. Here are some questions to ask yourself to explore your Compliant Surrenderer mode:
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Christians can be confused by this being called an unhelpful coping mode. It seems like it's what the bible says Christians should be.
Shouldn't we be "other-person centred", didn't Jesus model sacrificing himself?
How can this be an unhelpful mode?
Sacrifice is a key concept in the bible, but we need to understand what it is and what it is not. Philipians 2: 5-8 says we should have the same "mind" as Jesus;
Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Phil 2 ESV
Jesus did not serve out of a desire to be OK, out of a need to be safe or to earn favour. Jesus willingly chose to serve, from fullness. He chose to serve, from a place of safety and security. He was already God, already "enough", so he did not need to "grasp" at that power, or status, but could freely give it up. To sacrifice like Jesus sacrifice is to sacrifice from a Healthy Adult sense of self. Let's look at an example of how a Christians might work on this mode:
Maggie has worked out in therapy that she has often been serving at church from her Compliant Surrenderer mode. She was brought up in a family of Christians who were very giving and always helping at church. As she reflects on this, she starts to see that she gets her identity out of being the helper, the caretaker, but then is angry and hurt because no one looks after her. Maggie is giving out of her emptiness, her need to be seen and acknowledged (Emotional Deprivation schemas), not from her Healthy Adult mode. She starts to explore what Healthy Adult service looks like.
What do you think drives your Compliant surrender mode?
What needs might it be meeting?
What needs might it be meeting?
Ruth Holt, Clinical Psychologist, Advanced Schema Therapist
How does the Holy Spirit shape my Healthy Adult mode? |
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