 Sara* could barely lift her head when she arrived in the room. Her hair conveniently covered her face and her voice was difficult to hear. It took along time for her to feel able to share her story, but as she did I could hear the defectiveness and shame blanketing her. She had grown up in a church that had very clear, strong teaching on many things. The preaching seemed designed to scare people into godliness and to show how impressive the pastor was, compared to everyone in the church. Sara talked about feeling terrified that people at church might know what was happening in her head. She didn't measure up to the standards that seemed very normal for everyone else and had given up trying in the last 10 years. Her parents eventually left that church, but the fear and shame the church culture had created didn't leave Sara.
In contrast Kyle* had had a very positive church experience, but over 3 years his gymnastics coach had groomed and abused him as teenager. He didn't seem ashamed when we started therapy, in fact, he looked like nothing would phase him. But over time, the experience of his abuse, the lies he was told and not knowing how to tell anyone, had created a "hole" inside of him that he had tried to cover with gaming as well as leading and serving at his church. Even though he strived to show people God's love, he, deep down, knew he was 'unloveable'. Both Kyle and Sara had developed the Defectiveness/Shame schema from a lack of protection. For Sara, her sense of unworthiness before God and shame also grew out of a lack of love and acceptance from Christians. For Kyle, he felt that his abuse was somehow his fault and a sign of something deeply wrong with him. It took quite a while before he could see it as the result of an unmet need for being valued as a precious person, deserving of safety. All of these needs (protection, affirmation, being valued, understood and having worth) are normal and essential for every human, but when we have not had them met, it feels like we don't deserve to have them met. In fact, being made "in God's image" endows all humans with worth and value. But when you have been treated as having little worth, or had to earn your value, that eternal truth feels untrue of you. There are many ways that Defectiveness/Shame can come to live inside our bodies, inhabiting our feelings and becoming the "truth" about us. This schema can be a result of abuse and trauma: experiences that happen when we are unable to comprehend that it is not our fault. The schema can come from experiences of being 'weird' or 'different' and not being given any way of knowing how our brain and bodies are unique (not 'wrong'). The schema can come from being the "weird" family at church who everyone talks about, but does nothing to support. Or growing up in families or churches that are high on criticism and low on love. Where God is seen as severe, blaming and distant. The vulnerable side of you holds the pain of these experience and lives in a state of shame that you might find yourself blocking, sinking in to, or acting opposite to. One of the opportunities that we have, as we start to understand our schemas and where they came from, is to go back to those experiences and meet those unmet needs for love, acceptance, protection, value and understanding. The little, vulnerable, part of you needs those things and needs to hear, from your Healthy Adult, a different story about who they are. Some questions for you if you have this schema:
It is important to go back to the moment/s when you learnt your schemas to undo the power of those experiences. In imagery we bring in a safe, caring and affirming person to meet the core emotional needs. Over time, you are more able to come to know the God who "is the most understanding person in the universe. The posture most natural to him is not a pointed finger but open arms." (Gentle and Lowly, D Ortlund, p. 19) * this story is composite of many clients I have worked with and is not one specific person.
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